Gay Confessions

2011

2011-05-09T09:22:00.001-07:00

Well, it's been quite a while since I've blogged and I'm in dire need of the therapeutic effects of just committing my thoughts and feelings to paper. It's been quite a tumultuous couple of years and I really don't know how much longer it is going to go on like this.

Life is supposed to be so full of joy and beautiful experiences and one should look forward to each day. However, I can't remember when the last time actually was when I looked forward to waking up. My day consists of the routine of waking up, eating, getting ready, eating, studying, eating, sleeping – rinse and repeat. It feels so empty!

I am also feeling so useless and guilty about the fact that I am soon to be 25 and I am still living under my parent's roof. I need to get financial and emotional independence. I need direction in my life but this chronic depression is really getting to me and at times I am powerless to fight it. Things have not been going well at home financially and I can't help but wishing for it to blow over and get better.

I have a degree at least but I want to get a job and start proving myself to the world. The only problem is that every company that I have applied to for an internship position has rejected me and I can only conclude that it's due to the fact that I am not BEE material. This has only served to make me even more bitter and resentful as I know I am a talented young man and could be a great asset to any company.

I suppose what I really need is to find myself, do some deep and thorough self-reflection and forge a career plan in my mind. I have already started the process of looking into moving to Australia but first I will need at least a year's experience. What is another year out of many ahead staying in South Africa?

I have also applied for an internship position at Credit Suisse and I do hope that they would view me as a more favourable candidate.

I also feel so alienated in the gay world. At first it felt like my home – where I could be accepted and be myself. However, as I have grown and matured over the years I find it increasingly hard to identify with that world. I just want to be happy and accepted and at the moment I am far from either. I want a family one day and to be remembered as the best possible person I can be.

And here we are...

2011-05-09T08:21:00.001-07:00

Well, it’s been quite a while since I’ve blogged and I’m in dire need of the therapeutic effects of just committing my thoughts and feelings to paper. It’s been quite a tumultuous couple of years and I really don’t know how much longer it is going to go on like this.

Life is supposed to be so full of joy and beautiful experiences and one should look forward to each day. However, I can’t remember when the last time actually was when I looked forward to waking up. My day consists of the routine of waking up, eating, getting ready, eating, studying, eating, sleeping – rinse and repeat. It feels so empty!

I am also feeling so useless and guilty about the fact that I am soon to be 25 and I am still living under my parent’s roof. I need to get financial and emotional independence. I need direction in my life but this chronic depression is really getting to me and at times I am powerless to fight it. Things have not been going well at home financially and I can’t help but wishing for it to blow over and get better.

I have a degree at least but I want to get a job and start proving myself to the world. The only problem is that every company that I have applied to for an internship position has rejected me and I can only conclude that it’s due to the fact that I am not BEE material. This has only served to make me even more bitter and resentful as I know I am a talented young man and could be a great asset to any company.

I suppose what I really need is to find myself, do some deep and thorough self-reflection and forge a career plan in my mind. I have already started the process of looking into moving to Australia but first I will need at least a year’s experience. What is another year out of many ahead staying in South Africa?
I have also applied for an internship position at Credit Suisse and I do hope that they would view me as a more favourable candidate.

I also feel so alienated in the gay world. At first it felt like my home – where I could be accepted and be myself. However, as I have grown and matured over the years I find it increasingly hard to identify with that world. I just want to be happy and accepted and at the moment I am far from either. I want a family one day and to be remembered as the best possible person I can be.

To new adventures!

2010-08-09T22:38:00.000-07:00

Goodness, but today is chilly! Frostie has definitely come back with a vengeance. At least it wasn't too hard for me to get out of bed for a change.

Well, to the title of this post. I have finally decided to quit World of Warcraft. It's been a good and fun 5 years but I really have nothing to show in real life from all my efforts in a virtual world. WoW is really a bad game for competitively inclined people such as myself. You can never finish or 'win' the game so it's a continual grind to get better gear, to run dungeons, to just be the best. I really don't have the time for it anymore! It's way too time consuming.

I can now really focus a decent amount of time on my studies. I achieved the highest marks for Economics and statistics last year and I'm really proud of that fact. Hard work does pay off! I'm also finally happy and I'm looking forward to a fruitful and blessed career.

I've also learnt the meaning of love these past nine months. It's been a wonderful journey of lowering my defences, learning to be unselfish, sacrifice, joy, hope and the immense euphoria that only someone special could bring into a life that was rather empty before. Thank you RaRa, you're the best!

Gym and diet time!

2010-08-09T03:54:00.000-07:00

So, I took the plunge and headed to gym after a long time of laziness. I've just realised how unfit I am! I'm going to make an effort to eat better and more so that I can gain some weight and have a physique to be proud of. It will just take a lot of effort to manage my time and force myself to go to gym. I'm going to try and stay consistent and head to gym more often.

Unclear Answers

2010-06-30T01:28:00.000-07:00

A love born in shadows,

In the rebirth of spring.

Cherished but unspoken of

It was a secret to be kept.

Ephemeral or concrete,

A choice based on hope.

Youthful joy passing,

under a cloud of doubt.

Fighting for love unending,

Bent to the will of men.

Natural or unnatural,

No answer set in stone.

Questioning our making,

God’s hand or Sin.

Striving to be accepted,

A burden borne in fear.

Great Expectations.

2010-02-01T10:29:00.001-08:00

The university year has officially begun. I really can't believe how the time has flown and that I'm finally in my third year! It's really awesome that everything I've learnt over the past two years is starting to fit together. To think I can be a junior economist in 6 months! I can't wait. It's going to be super!

I'm really excited about what the year ahead is holding in store for me. I'm going to be the master of my own destiny and really start sorting out a few issues in my life. I've got to work exceptionally hard this year but there is nothing stopping me from having some fun along the way. As long as it's clean, of course!

I have also decided to start focusing my time and my interests. I read somewhere that one should not confuse being busy with being productive. It really is so true! If you want to be a Jack of all Trades you will be master of none. Even Adam Smith opened his treatise 'Wealth of Nations' with a chapter dedicated to the division of labour; "The greatest improvement in the productive powers of labour, and the greater part of the skill, dexterity, and judgement with which it is any where directed, or applied, seem to have been the effects of the division of labour." So this year is all about focus and applying myself to achieve everything that I've worked so hard towards.

I've also moved back home. I'm not really sure for how long. I just need to work out something because I really hate driving through in traffic – plus it's such a waste of time!

Clouds and rain

2010-01-21T06:29:00.001-08:00

As I sit here on the couch in our apartment I realize that this is probably the last time that I'll have the opportunity to write from here. I've stayed quite comfortably here and many good memories have been made! I will miss the place but the time has come to move on.

The biggest issue now is to find a place to stay. I'm so not in the mood for the 100km round trip between Benoni and Pretoria every day! I'll be checking out a place later. I'm a bit tired of moving though. Haha…but I suppose it's to be expected during your time as a student. I've moved 8 times in as half as many years! I'm going to check out a garden cottage in Muckleneuk. It sounds pretty cool – I'm a huge fan of having a garden – so I'm holding thumbs!

I'm also quite tired of being a student and only having a Matric certificate. I can't believe that it's only practically 28 more weeks until I'll have a degree in hand! I cannot wait.

The constant fight.

2010-01-14T22:14:00.001-08:00

It seems as if my life has been a continual battle. I don't think I've found much time for peace yet. Whatever I have achieved in my life I have fought so hard for it.

I won't lie and say it's been a breeze. It has been anything but. At times I've grown so apathetic that I've just wanted to give up. It has been such an incredible load to bear but then I remember that there are people far less fortunate than me out there. I've got to be grateful for what I have and the blessings I have received. It's just so hard to carry on fighting though. It feels as if there is a concrete wall surrounding me and keeping me from achieving my potential. I'm always pushing against this wall and my strength is really waning.

I worked so hard last year to achieve academic excellence at University to ensure that I get an achievement bursary. Yesterday I learnt that I don't meet the minimum requirements. I phoned them and found out that they've included French (a subject which I dropped because of time issues and which was for Non-degree purposes in any case) as a 0% mark into the calculation of my average. This has brought it down to 1% below the minimum requirement to qualify for the bursary.

I've written a letter explaining my case to the university. I think it's grossly unfair and ludicrous to include this subject in the calculation. I'll keep on fighting this because I'm used to it. Nothing has been given to me without some sacrifice.

I draw much inspiration from poetry. It reminds me that I am human and that there are/have been people out there with the same problems I have faced. I conclude with a poem by John Milton. It is about his rapidly failing eyesight and how he feels his talent (of writing) is wasted. He soon realises that God has a plan for everything and He gifts us talents that will serve Him best. We just need to be patient and 'Bear His mild yoke.'

Sonnet 19 – John Milton

When I consider how my light is spent,

Ere half my days, in this dark world and wide,

And that one talent which is death to hide

Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent

To serve therewith my Maker, and present

My true account, lest He returning chide,

"Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?"

I fondly ask; But patience, to prevent

That murmur, soon replies "God doth not need

Either man's work or his own gifts. Who best

Bear His mild yoke, they serve Him best. His state

Is kingly: thousands at His bidding speed

And post o'er land and ocean without rest;

They also serve who only stand and wait."

A new beginning

2010-01-13T05:31:00.001-08:00

It has been quite a while since I've posted here. I suppose I just got so caught up in a rat race of my own making that I simply did not have time to come and post here.

A lot has happened since I've last posted. I've actually finished my second SECOND (Yes, that's 2 x two years) year at University. I'm quite happy about that! It took me forever to actually decide what I wanted to study. I'm really doing well now and I'm quite excited about the year ahead. I know I've wasted quite a bit of time and money in the pursuit of my studies. However, I am totally committed now and know I can do it! Your success is a direct product of the amount of hard work, perseverance and commitment you put into your life.

I have also met the most stunning and sincere guy ever. Life really cannot be predicted and the biggest and best surprises always come around when you least expect it! It really has been an astonishing two months and I can honestly say that I have been incredibly happy!

There have been a few issues but only those of my own making! I have for a very long time lugged a huge mass of guilt around with me. I cannot begin to describe how prohibitive and taxing it has been on my life and general well-being. I haven't cried as much as I did last night on the drive back from Pretoria in ages. The drive gave me a perfect opportunity to gather my thoughts and just realise that I cannot deny myself happiness any longer. Life really is too short and precious to start complicating it with many more issues that can be easily solved.

Just one of those days...

2009-09-23T03:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I always get this sense of loneliness and unproductiveness just before the holidays... I'm busy fighting my way through it again. I suppose it's made worse by the fact that the guys I always fall for never seem to show the same amount of interest in return. Life really likes dealing one a poor hand!

Why is it that the one person we think we'd truly be happy with and great for never feels the same? Or perhaps it might be because I don't show my feelings all that well. It's just hard to do so! It does take a special form of courage for me to lay my heart bare and open to someones scrutiny... I can only live in hope that this feeling of utter disillusionment will pass...it always does.

Poetry is my therapy and I thought it best to sum up such feelings in the following poem I wrote.

Longing

To feel but not to truly touch,
A longing hand laid down on friendly clothes,
Beyond which no relationship could probe.
Starry eyes full of watery hope,
Longing for substance,
But along a swift path of sadness,
Drops towards earth with a watery splash.
Wishing upon a shooting star so far,
A baseless and mirthless flutter of hidden love,
Behind a mask of a friendly face,
A forced smile, a nodding head.
In my eyes I see you as a god,
Perfect and pure, worthy of my heart’s worship,
But then my faith wanes,
More passing pilgrims through your chapel pass,
And here I am left, your most faithful servant
,Discarded and forgotten.

Bucket List...

2009-09-15T09:05:00.000-07:00

Lately I've decided to stop being such an uptight guy and start to spend some time enjoying life! After all, there's more to life than how many distinctions you get and how great you do in every test... It kind of gets boring after awhile.

So, yeah...getting down to that bucket list. I've done some crazy things this past week. Some of them I would never have dared to do a year ago but boy do I feel liberated! It's as if I've let loose someone who has been trapped for so long and he has finally breathed the fresh air of freedom.

There is still a whole lot more I'm planning to do! Nothing that would really compromise my character but things I believe will enrich and deepen it. So here is to a whole lot of daring!

Just as an afterthought... I was told again today that I don't look gay... What is that supposed to mean? Do I 'hide' my sexuality so well or do I have absolutely no sense of style? Someone else mentioned that I don't sound gay...but is that an innate ability or one acquired with experience?

It's been a while...

2009-06-07T03:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been rather busy with my studies and have really neglected my writing. I must admit that I'm really not keen to start writing again but hopefully that will change if I force myself to.

I've been through a really confusing time in my life. I'm always trying to make everyone happy and I'm sure you know how exhausting that can be. One of the most valuable lessons I've learnt is to make yourself happier. It's far easier to do so than to impress the 6 billion other people. I've been trying to be someone I'm not. I've tried to suppress my natural talents in the hope of seeming cool...but you know what...people don't really care who you are...

As long as you accept yourself for who you are and are happy with yourself it really shows and people are attracted to you. It does not help living a lie because you are only fooling yourself and at the end of the day it leaves you as an empty shell.

So be the nerd, the fashion guru, the person with a passion for drawing, enjoy your books, pc games, your mathematics, your sense of taste, collect whatever you want... at the end of the day you only have yourself and only if you're comfortable with yourself will you be comfortable around others.

To Reach for Stars beyond our Scope

2008-11-05T11:21:00.001-08:00

What does it mean to be great? How is greatness defined and measured? Is it an intrinsic part of our destiny or is it something that needs to be actively sought and fought for? What are the material standards of greatness? There are so many questions that can be asked but very few practical examples in the long history (or relatively short if you consider geologic time) of human existence.

I'm sure many people are satisfied to go about their daily life in a rigid routine. There is little space for change or something extraordinary. It's something I've witnessed in many people's lives around me. It must be quite an empty life. They live from morning to night and day to day in a fixed state of routine. How finite their existence must seem. It's a trap I've seen many people fall into.

I've also fallen into that snare before. I was satisfied to just go about my existence without leaving an impact on the world. I did what had to be done and didn't really strive to do anything extraordinarily beyond that or truly put my talents to the test. It's an absolute waste. In a world of over 6,000,000,000 people you really need to be extraordinary to be noticed. You need to sacrifice and get out of your comfort zone. You need to find a passion and truly chase after it.

So, as a challenge to myself and to any who might read this: Find your passion, chase your dream, work hard and you will make a difference.

The First

2008-10-25T02:56:00.001-07:00

Life is but an empty canvas without the colour of infinite journeys and the gentle and meticulous strokes of experience. Being a gay man in the 21^st century is no easy task.

Why is it so difficult to be gay? Is it the endless guilt we possess for having feelings of attraction for people of the same sex? Is it the label of promiscuity countless people like to place on us? Is it the feelings of exclusion? The self-loathing? Religious doctrines? Prejudice? Hate? Denial? Rejection?

It is no easy task living a gay life. Especially one dominated by malicious guilt. I've been out to my parents for two years now and it is no easier today than it was when I first told them. We've never had a decent conversation about it. There is no understanding between us. It's a part of my life my mother hopes is just a phase…a choice…something that can be controlled and changed.

I can understand her feelings of disappointment and denial. Every parent has dreams and aspirations for their children. For nineteen years my mother had the picture of me making a success of my life and eventually settling down and creating a family of my own. That all can tumbling down with my revelation. Of course it isn't easy for her and the rest of my family to accept. It's something the church has taught to be an abomination. Something not of God but of sin.

I've been going through a prolonged depression because of this. I started getting more and more isolated from society and could hardly relate to anyone. I got stuck in the cycle of wanting to be so desperately accepted that I started exploring avenues of acceptance. Inevitably this led me to sex. I saw sex as a means of acceptance. I became an object to be desired and had. I bared myself to the stark reality of acceptance through sex. In this cycle I distanced myself further and further away from God.

It's a destructive cycle. You become an object. Nothing more. In the end it is empty… A quick release of frustration and more fuel for the fire of guilt. All I really wanted was to be wanted…to be loved…unconditionally. I looked for it in the wrong places.

This cycle sped on for about a year. I so desperately wanted a relationship that would work. None were forthcoming. I started to question myself and found that the very foundation upon which I had built my life for as long as I could remember, my faith, was absent. I've been doing a lot of soul searching since then.

I've just finished watching an amazing film 'For the Bible tells me So.' Any gay man struggling with acceptance and his faith should definitely take it out and watch it. It's opened my eyes to so many things. I hope to show it to my mother. *edit* I've shown it to my mother and she's still as adamant as ever that who I am is wrong...I wonder if she'll ever accept me the way I am.

I feel my faith slowly growing stronger and I have the courage to accept myself as I am. Your faith won't miraculously reappear. It takes a lot of practice, determination and dialogue with God. Speak to Him. Lay out your heart. Even if it feels silly you must press on. It is Satan talking to you when you feel stupid talking to an 'invisible God.' God is anything but invisible. You only need to look around you at the wonderful beauty of nature, the complexity of the universe and the depth of human compassion as well as the core of your heart to know that He exists.